So Close To YOU

     So close to You, I am, every morning. Once it was just a routine, but then routine became a necessity like breathing. I could choose to hold my breath until I passed out as I could choose not to read Psalm 119 every morning until the entire day seemed pointless...void of something without words to root that something into life. Your Word has become my life line. And I am so grateful.

     You indeed have become the light and lamp under my feet.

     Sounds good, eh?

     Sounds holy and perfect...

     Just what God would like to hear?

     But the truth is that for all the morning time I spend with Him and my journal, I never seem to follow where He leads. I, after all, am human and He is...well what is He? Why is it that I can feel so pumped after spending this time every morning and loose the very nearness of Him by 9am? How real can that God be? To make me feel like I am really His daughter and then dissolve heirship after the third coffee? My intentions were so good. My intentions were so real. My intentions were so honest.

     Months ago I was led to transcribe the journal entries of my physical journal into these posts to show how Psalm 119 moved me, made me think, made me see my world differently every day although it was the same psalm every morning.
     What a fantastic idea. What an eye opening experience for anyone reading these posts and for me as well. I would learn so much by recording my walk through His Word, rereading my thoughts on His Way.


     But did I do it?
     No!
     Did He disconnect the TV so I wouldn't be obsessed with NCIS when I got home from work, so I'd have nothing else to do but follow His Plan? No! Did He shut off the power so I would be forced to find something else to do...like transcribe from my journal like I had been led to do? No! I was left to my own discretion as to what I would do with my time and TV won out every time.
     So I am left with regrets.
     Hoping I will do better.
     Faith...Hope...Charity...
     And the greatest of these is ...hope...in my case or the lack of it.l I can hope all I want but that doesn't help me be or do. Hope just leaves me feeling inadequate for the task until it evolves in feeling inadequate for any task.
   

     By the end of the night, NCIS is acceptable and I fall asleep in the chair with my cat on my lap...by the end of every night.
     So why make the effort every morning to read and write, to hear from Him and desire to follow as He leads when I know damn well that in three hours I will have forgotten every word I wrote or heard? And why does He bother to even show up when He knows damn well that in three hours I will have forgotten every word I wrote or heard? I know if I had a friend who treated me so haphazardly and rudely, who always disregarded my advice and direction, that I would dump that friend faster than I could spit.

     Maybe that is why He is God-Spirit and I am human-flesh. And for Him there is always hope for me and for me there is always .... maybe He will disconnect the TV or shut off the power.